31 marzo, 2014

Hello blog, lately I've been needing to talk to you.

I'm mad. In the two meanings of this word: I'm crazy and I'm angry. Actually, I think I'm crazy because I'm angry at the world, angry at myself and angry at people and anger is not something I'm used to, it makes me feel like I'm not myself. Everything gets me, everything affects my emotional stability.
You told me I was a baby and I got angry. Because you feel like you know it all, you think you're some kind of genius just because you know how to make sentences and speak fluid and that it somehow gives you the right to think you're smarter than anyone else. I told you that you were avoiding me and you said you weren't, you just sometimes get lost with all the people around to the point where you don't know who you said hi to. Bullshit. I was talking about a moment when I was the only one around and you where with a friend that did say hi to me, so don't lie to me you saw me and decided to avoid me. That isn't so mature of you... but you know what? I realized you're a prick. So I'm not giving you the power to be on my mind, your actions will not affect me anymore. This is goodbye. 

Now I need to talk about YOU. You do have the right to be in my mind, I guess, since we've been friends for seven years. We shared a lot of things, good moments, bad moments. But I feel like I can't be your friend anymore, I'm tired of feeling like I'm bothering you even if you don't say so. I'm tired of not being the owner of my feelings because you know EVERYTHING. That's the problem, you know me too much, more than I'd like you to. And I can't handle it, I need to be the one who knows best about how I feel. And yes, maybe I'm getting too paranoid. But right now, I don't need someone like you in my life. I don't have the right to ask you to wait until I get better because 1- I don't know if I will and 2- if I do, I don't know if I'd still like you to be around me. You say you don't care about my feelings, but you still sense them and that's the point. I need to be around people who only know how I feel based on what I tell them. I need my personal space, my privacy. I can't funtion without my private world. And I'm thinking for myself, I'm being self-centered and selfish and all that beacause I need to. Truth is I'm a mess right now and I don't want anyone to know, even though I failed at that because you already know. And maybe that's why I'm even more convinced that I need you out of my life for good. We haven't spoke since I told you how I felt, maybe you got the point, I hope so. 
Since I'm talking about YOU I'm gonna use this space to rant my thoughts and regrets regarding you. I REGRET SO MUCH THAT I EVER PUT HER AND YOU ON THE SAME ROOM. I REGRET SO MUCH THAT BECAUSE OF ME YOU'RE NOW FRIENDS. I REGRET THAT THIS THING IS NOW LIKE A FRIENDSHIP THREESOME AND THAT IF WE DO END UP BEING ON SEPARATE WAYS, SHE WILL FEEL FOREVER IN DOUBT OF WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE WE CAN'T ACTUALLY EXPLAIN HER THE TRUTH, BECAUSE IT'S MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN IT SEEMS. I'd really give all the moments away if I could go back in time and change that. Because now if we fight she gets the pieces too, she will be affected. But if we don't fight she will be affected anyway because I won't be hanging around you anymore. Maybe I'm too afraid to face you but fear is been my shadow for so long, I can't make it go away just like that. And YOU will know and I don't want that.

Ugggh why can't I go back to my state on the last post? Where I was all happy that I was going out more and started making out, not giving everything so much thought and emotion?
But now I'm even confused about making out because I never actually felt sparkles or arousal while kissing boys, so maybe I'm a lesbian. And now I want to kiss a girl to find out. But maybe it's not about who I kiss but how I feel about the person I'm kissing. The thing is I could really use a make out session right now but only a good one, one that makes me feel something, a pleasant one. 

Hope this rant will work out and my mind won't be too much for my own body to handle. 
Oh mind, you may be beautiful but when you get dark, shit...you turn into this horror movie creature I just want to run away from. 

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